375 Questions to Ask Before Marriage

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January 17, 2015 by FHElessons

In Pride and Prejudice, Charlotte tells Elizabeth, “Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance…. It is better to know [in advance] as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life.”  Although this statement is amusing in the story, it is not one with which I agree in real life.  In my experience, it is best to know a person as well as you possibly can before getting married, thus enabling you to make a better decision and also to have less unpleasant surprises after the wedding.

Some of my children are at the stage in their lives where they are searching for and deciding on an eternal companion.  I still remember this exciting time in my own life and the enjoyable prospect before me of finding my One and Only.  But looking back I also know that there were quite a few things that I thought I knew about my soon-to-be husband which I actually didn’t know.  In many areas I just assumed that he thought the same way I did or liked the same things I did, and it wasn’t until after we were married that I truly began to know him for himself.

Because of this I decided to come up with a list of questions to help my children better come to know the people that they are dating.  I hope these questions will be a springboard for discussions that will help my kids (and you as well) gain a more accurate understanding and better intimate knowledge of a person with whom they might be considering marriage.

There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, and your prospective mate doesn’t necessarily need to agree with you on all or even most of these points.  But the better you know your significant other now, the less surprises you will have after marriage.  And I also hope that the discussions generated by these questions will be enjoyable and maybe even help you better know yourself.

Of course, the number one factor in whether your prospective mate is right for you is if the Lord confirms to you that this is the case.  You can use all your own powers of reasoning and rely on the feelings of your heart as much as you wish, but only Heavenly Father is capable of knowing the future.  Only He knows what will happen and who will be best by your side when it does.  Only He knows both you and your prospective mate perfectly intimately, and only He knows how both of you will change and grow in the future.

So, in making your marriage decisions, I urge you to counsel with the Lord.  Pray and plead and listen for His advice.  Put a lot of time and effort into it.  And be humble enough and pliable and obedient enough to be willing to follow the Lord’s counsel whether it agrees with the desires of your own heart or not.  Remember that if you follow the Lord’s direction, you will be happy.  If you follow your own counsel, there are no such guarantees.

That being said, the Lord also expects you to do your part in making important life decisions.  I hope that these questions will help you to do just that.  As a side note, I wrote these questions for my own children, so they are geared to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Many of the questions will work for people of different religions, and the religious questions could be adapted to other religions.  However, I do think common religious beliefs are important in a marriage, so everyone should definitely discuss religious topics before marrying.

You will notice quite a few questions that ask about a person’s parents and the things that happened in his or her home growing up.  You may think that this line of questioning is irrelevant as everyone makes his or her own decisions in life.  However, my experience is that people tend to expect things in their marriages such as division of labor and child rearing tactics to turn out similarly to the way their home was run while growing up.  And people naturally gravitate towards acting the way their parents acted.  So the more you know about your intended’s parents, the better you will know your mate.  Of course, people can and do choose to act and speak differently than their parents, but it is just good to keep in mind what your spouse’s naturally tendencies and expectations may be.

I do not recommend using these questions interrogation style.  If you are early on in your dating relationship, you might want to off-handedly sneak some of these questions into your conversations.  If you are at the stage where you are considering engagement or are already engaged, you and your significant other could print the questions out and work on getting through all of them together.  Either way, please use the questions as a springboard for discussion and not as a personal worthiness interview.

I have provided a few different formats of free printables for you to use.  There are actually 160 different questions, but many of the questions have multiple parts, making 375 in all.  I have printables for you in a numbered list and also checklist style, so you can mark them off when you have answered them.  You can also cut the questions apart and stuff them into a jar or box and then take turns drawing a question out to be answered.  You could glue individual questions into a notebook or your journal and make notes on your discussion.

I have also provided them in the format of a 37 page booklet which allows room after each question to write down notes.  You can keep the notes to look back on when you are pondering your decision, or you can keep them for the future to throw back in your spouse’s face when he or she acts differently than what they professed to before marriage.  Haha.  Just kidding.  Actually, you can keep them in your journal just as a keepsake of your courtship. {smile} Here are the links to all the free printables:

Questions to Ask Before Marriage Numbered List

Questions to Ask Before Marriage Checklist

Questions to Ask Before Marriage Booklet

 

And finally, here are the questions themselves:

1. Do you study your scriptures daily? If so, how do you feel it benefits your life? Why are you committed to doing it?

2. What are the top areas on which you base your testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

3. Do you feel that God answers prayers? Do you find it difficult to hear the answers? What process do you use to hear the answers to your prayers?

4. Do you agree that the husband is the head of the family? Why or why not? What does it mean for the husband to be the head?

5. Why do you pay tithing? Have you had any experiences that have strengthened your testimony of tithing?

6. Who is the first person you turn to when you have a problem?

7. What process do you use for decision making?

8. Did you have Family Home Evening in your home while growing up? If so, what was an FHE typically like? How do you plan to implement FHE in your future home?

9. How consistent was your family with family prayer? Do you think it is important for families to pray together?

10. What is your stance on movie ratings? Are there movies you will or will not watch because of the ratings? What are some of your all-time favorite movies?

11. Do you feel it is appropriate for parents to censor children’s reading? Are there any books you would not let your children read? Are there any books you feel are inappropriate for adults to read?

12. What are your top ten favorite books? What books that you have read have you hated?

13. What kind of music do you like and dislike? Is there any music that you feel is inappropriate to listen to?

14. Did you serve a mission? If so, how did it change you? What did you learn from it? Do you hope to be able to serve a mission in the future?

15. What things would you do to encourage your children to serve missions?

16. Have you ever worked on your Family History? If so, what have you learned? What do you like most about doing it? What frustrates you about it?

17. Can you tell me some stories about your ancestors?

18. What does Sabbath day observance look like to you? What things do you feel are inappropriate to do on the Sabbath? How do you prefer to spend your Sabbath?

19. What are your feelings about modesty? Do you think it is acceptable for a woman to wear a bikini or short shorts? Do you think women have a responsibility to dress modestly in order to help men control their thoughts and actions? What responsibilities do men have concerning modesty?

20. Would you consider yourself to be shy about your body or an exhibitionist? Are you comfortable changing in front of your roommates or your same gender siblings? Do you anticipate being nervous about your future spouse seeing you naked for the first time?

21. What are your political views? Do you follow politics at all? How involved do you think a person should be in politics?

22. Do you think political parties are a good thing or a bad thing? Which political party do you belong to? Did you vote in the last election?

23. Were your parents involved in politics at all? Were politics discussed in your home frequently?

24. How do you feel about gun control laws? Would you like to have guns in your home or not? If you did have guns in your home, how would you protect your family from accidents with them?

25. What jobs did each of your parents typically assume around the house? Who did the cooking, the cleaning, the yard work? Who took care of the cars? Who cleaned out the garage? Who was in charge of home maintenance and repairs? Do you like the way your parents divided up the work or would you change things in your own family?

26. Do you feel that the whole family should clean house together or should it be just the wife’s job? Would you ever want to have a maid or do you feel that is wasteful?

27. Would you consider yourself to be a messy person or a neat freak? How much mess can you tolerate by others that you live with?

28. What is your least favorite household chore to have to do? Which household chore do you not mind doing?

29. Are you good at letting go of things you don’t use or are you a pack rat? On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a minimalist and 10 being a hoarder, where do you fall?

30. Do you think it is more important to let the Lord make decisions for you or to make them on your own? How big of a role should the Lord’s counsel play in both small and large decisions?

31. Is there anyone in your life who has done something to you for which you have never been able to forgive him or her? If so, what? And why was it so hard to forgive?

32. In what circumstances do you think it is acceptable to refuse a church calling?

33. What would you say are the three most important things for a parent to do for his or her children?

34. How many children would you like to have if you could have your choice?

35. At what stage in your life would you prefer to begin having children?

36. How would you label your parents: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, or uninvolved? Were they strict or lenient? Did they hover like a helicopter or give you free reign? Did your parents act intuitively or intentionally? How did you feel about your parents’ parenting style? What would you do differently when you are a parent?

37. How involved were your grandparents and other extended family in your life growing up? Would you like your children to have that same amount of interaction with extended family or more or less?

38. Did one of your parents stay home with the kids? Would you like the wife to be a stay at home mom? How would you feel about the husband being the one to stay home?

39. Do you feel it is important for the wife to have an education?

40. Do you feel it is important for the wife to have a career? Why or why not?

41. How much did your parents work when you were growing up? Did you feel your parents spent too much time at work or were you happy with the amount of time each parent had to spend with the family?

42. What is your dream job? If you didn’t have to worry about money, what job would you choose? What career would you choose to support your family and why?

43. What jobs have you held in your lifetime? At what age did you begin working? Which jobs have you liked best and which would you never want to do again?

44. Would you like your children to learn a second language? If so, how would you go about enabling that to happen?

45. How did your family celebrate Christmas growing up? How many gifts did each child receive and of what approximate value? Did you draw names for exchanging gifts between family members or give to everyone? Did you spend the holidays with extended family or with just immediate family?

46. How did your family celebrate other holidays such as Thanksgiving, Easter, Halloween, and the Fourth of July?

47. What traditions did your family have for holidays? Which of them would you like to continue with your future family?

48. What traditions did your family have that didn’t relate to holidays (daily, weekly, yearly, cultural, religious, vacation, recreation, food related, school related, relationship, etc.)? What traditions (those or others) would you like to have as a family?

49. Did you have family reunions with extended family on a regular basis? If so, what were those gatherings like?

50. Who are your favorite extended family members and why?

51. How did your parents discipline you growing up? Do you agree with their philosophy or would you do something different with your own children?

52. What were your parents’ attitudes about sex? Did they discuss it openly or was the subject taboo? Did you get the feeling that your parents were happy with their sexual relationship or no?

53. Do you feel comfortable discussing sexual topics? Saying words related to sex and to sexual anatomy?

54. Do you think each spouse has a right to demand sexual intimacy from the other? Who should decide how often a couple is sexually intimate? Who should initiate intimacy?

55. Have you ever viewed pornography intentionally?

56. What are your feelings about birth control? Do you think it is right or wrong? What types of birth control would you feel comfortable using, if any?

57. Should a couple’s sexual relationship be kept completely private or is it OK for one spouse to discuss aspects of it with his or friends, siblings, or parents?

58. Is there anything you would like to tell me about any of your past relationships that I don’t already know?

59. Do you have any past sexual history? If so, please tell me about it in a non-detailed way. How has your past sexual history affected your feelings about sexual intimacy?

60. Were your parents divorced or did you experience a blended family in any way? If so, how did this affect your life?

61. Do you think that divorce is ever acceptable? If so, in what circumstances would it be appropriate?

62. How close would you prefer to live to your parents and other family members? Would you like to live in the same city as them if you could? Or would you prefer to be farther away? Why?

63. What would be your ideal city or area of the country to live in?

64. Would you ever be willing to live in a foreign country?

65. If your parents were ill or aging or otherwise in need, would you be open to them living with you? Or would you prefer they lived in an assisted living facility?

66. Do you think abortion is permissible in cases of rape or incest? What about if the life of the mother is endangered by the pregnancy?

67. What are your views on same sex attraction and homosexual lifestyle? How do you reconcile God’s teachings with current political views about this subject?

68. Did you attend public school, private school, or home school? Which do you think is the best?

69. How did your parents handle the finances in your home? Did they pool their money or keep separate accounts? Who was in charge of paying the bills? Who did the taxes? Did you approve of how they handled things or would you do things differently?

70. Do you consider yourself a spender or a saver and for what reasons?

71. Do you think it is acceptable to go into debt? If so, for what reasons?

72. How many credit cards, if any, do you feel it is good to own? When is it acceptable to use them? Do you think it is permissible to carry debt on your credit cards or should the balance be paid in full each month?

73. What level of purchase requires a joint decision between husband and wife? A $20 purchase? $100? $1,000? Or only things such as a car or home?

74. Do you have any financial goals? If so, what are they?

75. How do you handle your income? Do you have a written budget? Do you set aside a certain amount for savings? Or do you kind of fly by the seat of your pants?

76. What is something you are currently saving your money for?

77. Do you think it is important for a couple to be independent as far as finances, or do you think it is OK to accept help from parents or others? Under what circumstances should a family seek financial aid from the church or from the government?

78. What do you think is a reasonable portion of your income to spend on clothing? How about entertainment? Home maintenance? Travel?

79. Do you think it is important to have a regular date night after you are married? If so, how often? What portion of income should be allotted to it? Did your parents have a regular date night? If so, what kinds of things did they do for their date?

80. What family vacations did you take growing up?

81. What is your idea of a dream vacation and how often in your life would you expect to have a vacation like this? What kinds of vacations would you like to or expect to take on a regular basis?

82. Would it ever be OK for spouses to take separate vacations?

83. How much time would you like to spend with your spouse on a regular basis? Would you like to do everything together or would you like to have time for girls’ or guys’ nights out with other friends? How much time did your parents spend with each other?

84. What would you say is a good number of friends for a person to have? Should couples only be friends with other couples or is it OK for each spouse to have his or her own friends?

85. What kinds of things make you feel the most loved? Spending time together? Receiving gifts? Talking and listening? Physical touch? Acts of service?

86. How do you feel about public displays of affection? Is it all right to kiss in front of others? Hug? Is it important to compliment each other in front of others?

87. How would you handle it if your spouse had to be away from you for a long period of time for something such as military service? What about if he or she had to travel a lot for business without you? What about if he or she had a time intensive church calling?

88. Would you say you came from a lower, middle, or upper class family? Would you be comfortable living with a different level of income than your parents? How so?

89. Give a list of the absolute basic essentials to you. Would you be happy if you had just a small apartment in a poorer section of town and enough food to eat with second hand clothes? Do you need a large home? A large clothing budget? Money to travel? What things could you do without and still be happy and what things do you absolutely need to feel secure?

90. Do you believe that marriage can be a happy and fulfilling relationship? Or do you fear it will be fraught with difficulty?

91. Do you like to set goals for yourself? How good are you at accomplishing goals that you set? Do you write them down or just think of them? Do you tell them to others or keep them private?

92. What are some of your long term and short term goals?

93. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 30 years?

94. What is your worst fear?

95. What is your fondest dream?

96. What is your most important desire?

97. Once married, do you think it is acceptable to maintain a friendship with a past girlfriend or boyfriend? What about as Facebook friends? Why or why not?

98. Do you feel that it is wrong for a married person to hold onto letters or photos from past boyfriends or girlfriends?

99. Do you think it is OK for a married person to have a friend of the opposite sex? If so, how much contact should be allowed? Only talking at work? Going out to lunch? Phone calls?

100. Who was your best friend growing up? Why did you particularly like him or her and what types of things did you enjoy doing together?

101. Would you consider yourself to be an introvert or an extrovert? Why?

102. Do you like to go to parties or do you prefer one on one time with friends? How do you feel about hosting parties?

103. Would you consider yourself to be a giver or a taker? Do you store up favors from others in case you need to ask a favor of them in the future? Do you frequently ask favors of others whether or not you have done anything for them? Are you uncomfortable asking favors of others or do you find it easy to do?

104. Do you think that differences between spouses can complement each other or do you think it is best to have as many similarities as possible?

105. What are some of your hobbies? Are there some hobbies you would like to develop?

106. Do you feel it is acceptable for one spouse to have a hobby that the other does not enjoy? Would you be willing to participate in an activity that you did not enjoy in order to spend time with your spouse? If so, how often would you be willing to do so?

107. What do you like most about me?

108. What do you like most about yourself? What do you like least about yourself?

109. Would you classify yourself as selfish or unselfish? Why and in what ways?

110. Are you a glass half empty or a glass half full type of person? Are you happy with the way you are or would you like to change?

111. Would you classify yourself as jealous or trusting? Why? What experiences in your past have made you the way you are?

112. What would you say are the five most important qualities in a friend? What are the five most important qualities you are looking for in a spouse?

113. List three qualities that you absolutely would not want to have in your spouse.

114. How important do you think someone’s looks are? Do you think plastic surgery is right or wrong?

115. How important is it to you to look your best? How much time do you spend getting ready in the morning? Are you more comfortable dressed to the nines or wearing yoga pants/sweats?

116. How would you feel if your spouse gained weight after you were married? Would you still be able to be attracted to him or her? Would you blame him or her? Would you try to help him or her lose weight or leave them alone about it?

117. How much exercise do you like to get? Is it important for your spouse to exercise with you?

118. Do you like healthy food or junk food? Do you prefer to eat at home or eat out? What are your favorite restaurants? What are your favorite foods?

119. Are there any foods that you will not or cannot eat?

120. Do you think it is important to eat dinner together as a family or do you prefer to let each family member eat when it is convenient for them?

121. Do you enjoy cooking? What are some of your favorite things to make?

122. What dreams/plans do you have for your wedding? Would you like a big wedding or a small one? How much money do you think it is appropriate to spend on a wedding? Is a wedding primarily for the couple getting married or for the families?

123. What would you say is the perfect age at which to get married?

124. What kinds of medical problems have you dealt with in the past?

125. Do you have any allergies? Do your other family members have any?

126. Can you tell me about the medical history of your family? What kinds of medical problems have your parents, siblings, and grandparents endured? Have any of them suffered any emotional or mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, etc?

127. Have you or your parents ever suffered any physical, mental, or sexual abuse from family members? What actions or words would you say constitute abuse?

128. How much of life do you think is foreordained or predetermined? Are we the master of our own fates or is there another captain?

129. What are some of your pet peeves? Can you think of some things that would trigger anger in you? Do you have difficulty controlling your anger at all?

130. Would you classify yourself as uptight or laid back? What examples from your life make you feel that you are this way?

131. Do you think it is acceptable for couples to argue? If arguments do occur, what kinds of statements or actions should be off limits? Is it OK to argue in front of the children? How did your parents handle arguments with one another?

132. When it comes to relationships, do you tend to avoid conflict at all costs or face it head on?

133. When you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or comforted? Do you like to have someone brainstorm to help you solve problems or do you prefer just a listening ear and understanding without the other person volunteering solutions?

134. Do you find it difficult to apologize or is it easy for you? Do you think it is important for both people to apologize after an argument or should only one person apologize? Do you think couples should take turns apologizing or should it just be the person who is at fault? Do you think it is important to be the first person to apologize after an argument?

135. What is important to you in an apology? Is it mainly the words, the tone of voice, gestures, gifts, acts of service, restitution?

136. List your top items that help you relieve stress.

137. What did you like best about your parents’ relationship with one another? What did you like least?

138. What is your definition of love? Do you feel there are different types of love?

139. How do you best communicate love to those around you and to those most important to you?

140. Do you like pets? Did you have any pets growing up? Would you like to own pets in the future? If so, what kinds?

141. Do you think it is important for children to receive vaccinations/immunizations? Or would you refuse them for your children?

142. How much television do you like to watch? Do you watch it on Sunday? Do you think it is a good idea to have a television in a marital bedroom?

143. What kinds of programs do you enjoy on television?

144. Do you think of your home as a castle with an impenetrable fortress to protect your family or as a gathering place where all are welcome?

145. What is the ideal temperature at which to keep your thermostat? Do you prefer to be comfortable temperature wise or to save money on your utility bills even if it means being uncomfortable?

146. How important to you is your car? Do you keep it clean and well maintained? Do you dream of owning a certain make and model of car? Do you think it is important to buy cars new or used? If you had unlimited funds, would you buy a luxury car such as a Rolls Royce or Ferrari?

147. How much time each day do you spend using technology? What do you typically spend your computer time doing?

148. Do you think it is important to own the newest and best model of cell phone or are you fine with an inexpensive or out of date phone?

149. Do you prefer to e-mail and text or to talk face to face?

150. Are you a morning person or a night owl? How much sleep do you like to get each night?

151. If you could design the perfect day for yourself, how would you spend it? What would you do? What would you wear? What would you eat? Who would you be with? Where would you spend it?

152. How important is it to you to have fun in life? What percentage of your time should be occupied by recreation? Do you prefer to work, to learn, or to relax?

153. How do you like to celebrate your birthday? What birthday traditions did your family have? What birthday traditions would you like to implement with your future family?

154. What is the best gift you have ever received? What is the best one you have ever given?

155. What person has most influenced your life for the good? What person would you most like to emulate and why?

156. List the things in your life that you are most grateful for.

157. What has been your greatest challenge in life? How has this challenge helped you to grow?

158. Are you a visual learner, an auditory learner, or do you prefer tactile or hands on learning?

159. When seeking information, do you first consult the internet, a library, a trusted friend, or a professional?

160. Would you consider yourself to be primarily logical or emotional? Which do you use to make decisions? Do you find yourself reacting to situations using gut instinct or logical thought processes?

 

I hope you find these questions helpful in your dating and decision making processes.  Again, please remember to counsel with the Lord and rely on His judgment.  Here are the links one more time.

Questions to Ask Before Marriage Numbered List

Questions to Ask Before Marriage Checklist

Questions to Ask Before Marriage Booklet

What questions would you add to this list?